Dealing with grown kids
Key Passage: 2 Samuel 18:33
Date: June 7, 2024
You can turn over Second Samuel, chapter number 18, while we’re just talking for a moment or two here. I appreciate you being faithful right in the midst of Vacation Bible School, and we’re going to have church, amen.
Sometimes these small services, God does a great work. So you pray that God works in your heart tonight. Good to see Mila back there, and glad she’s here also, everybody. Good to see you out tonight. We’re going to continue on with the life of David. We’ve been in this subject for about a year and a half now in the life of David.
If you remember last week, we discussed Absalom trying to overthrow the throne in the Civil War. Last week, chapter number 18, really the reaping chapter we called it. They’ve been sowing, and they were reaping. Absalom was killed, not murdered, but killed in battle. For just a little while, we’re going to read the last verse of chapter 18, and then a couple of verses of 19 to let it kind of throw us into the subject of dealing with grown kids. Dealing with grown kids.
David says, “Oh, my goodness, man.” David, you’re not grown yet, so you’re good. No, I’m joking with you. I’m teasing you. You know, you’re good. They’re covered. But I’m still learning in this area. We’ve got a daughter that’s 24, a son that’s 26. So we’re still learning in this department for sure. But I thought we’d just share some principles and really let this kind of lead us into this briefly tonight: dealing with grown kids.
So we’re in 2nd Samuel chapter number 18, that last verse, verse number 33. Would you please stand if you’re able, in respect to the word of God? And to wake you up, you’re getting too sleepy all right now, you know.
That last verse of chapter number 18 of 2nd Samuel—this may be for you, God speaking to you, but it may be God wants you to pass these truths on to someone else. Let’s just pray that God works in our hearts in our lives tonight. Verse number 33, chapter 18: “And the king” (that’s David) “was much moved, and went up to the chamber over the gate and wept. And as he went thus, he said, O my son, Absalom, my son, my son, Absalom! Would God I had died for thee, O Absalom, my son, my son!”
And it was told Joab, “Behold, the king weepeth and mourneth for Absalom.” And the victor that day was turned into mourning unto all the people, for the people heard say that day how the king was grieved for his son. And the people got them by stealth that day into the city, as people being ashamed, still away when they flee in battle. They had won, but they acted like they lost in battle. But the king covered his face, and the king cried with a loud voice, “O my son Absalom! O Absalom, my son, my son!”
I’m going to just pause for a second and maybe mention a couple things about the grieving of David. I think a couple of maybe reasons why he grieved so hard. One, I think he doubted, and really tend to think he did not think Absalom was saved. You remember when his baby, him and Bathsheba, their first child, and how he just mourned and fasted and so on. And the child died, and he was all right. And the servants questioned him, “So what’s going on?” And he said, well, he said, “I didn’t know if God be gracious and I let the child live. He’s dead now. I can’t bring him back, but I’m going to go to where he is.” So it kind of gave him peace. He was saved. He didn’t have that peace now; he just mourned him. Not only that, but I think maybe a little bit of it also, as David knows, some of this is his reaping. Remember one of the punishments from his sin with Bathsheba? God said you’re going to have just battles inside your house. So a little bit of fulfillment. Maybe that added to the grief of it. But he’s just grieving over there.
Number five, and Joab came to the house to the king and said, “Thou hast shamed this day the faces of all thy servants, which this day have saved thy life, the lives of thy sons and of thy daughters, and the lives of thy wives, and the lives of thy concubines, and that thou lovest thine enemies, and hatest thy friends. For thou hast declared this day that thou regardest neither princes nor servants. For this day I perceive that if Absalom had lived, and all we had died this day, then it had pleased thee well. Now, therefore, arise, go forth and speak comfortably unto thy servants, for I swear by the Lord, if thou go not forth, they will not tarry one with thee this night, and that will be worse unto thee than all the evil that befell thee from thy youth until now.”
Then the king arose and sat in the gate. And they told unto all the people, saying, “Behold, the king that sat in the gate.” And all the people came before the king, for Israel had fled every man to his tent.
People are going to try to give you three principles about dealing with grown kids. Principle number one: We are responsible for what happens in our house.
Joshua 24:15 is a very familiar passage. I should know this. I think we still do. Maybe we don’t anymore. We used to have a plaque upon our door: Joshua 24:15. Is it still there? It’s not there anymore. We had it for years. Couldn’t remember if it’s still there or not. But you won’t recognize the whole verse, but the last part you will. This is what it says: “And if it seemed evil unto you to serve the Lord, choose you this day whom you will serve; whether the gods of your fathers served that were on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell: but as for me and my—” what’s the next word? “House.”
He said that. God had it in His Word for a reason: “Me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” Your house. I’m responsible for what happens in my house.
In Genesis 18:19, God speaking of Abraham, that great patriarch: “For I know him, that he will command his children and his household after him; and they shall keep the way of the Lord, to do justice and judgment; that the Lord may bring upon Abraham that which he hath spoken of.”
Genesis 35, Jacob is about to go back to Bethel, the house of God. He’s going to have revival, if you will, go meet with God again. In Genesis 35, verse number two: “Then Jacob said unto his household, and to all that were with him, Put away strange gods that are among you, and be clean, change your garments.” We’re going to meet with God; I better get my household right.
1 Timothy 3. The Bible there speaking of a bishop, a pastor, an overseer of a church, verse number 4: “one that ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity. For if a man know not how to rule his own house, how should he take care of the church of God?” Verse number 12 of that same chapter, talking about a deacon. And the Bible there says, “Let the deacons be the husbands of one wife, ruling their children and their own houses well.” You see the principle in the Bible: our house, our home.
Now, here’s the thing that goes on in our day and time: “Well, it’s their room. They can do what they want to do in their room.” Let me ask you, who pays the mortgage for that room? If the shingles over that room start leaking, who pays for new shingles to be put up there? Who bought the bed in that room? Who bought the dresser in that room? Who pays the electricity that goes in that room? Hey, parents, that room is in your house.
We didn’t do everything right, and I don’t want to act like we did. But hey, man, it doesn’t matter where that room is. That room’s in our house, and I’m responsible. What goes on in that room, it’s right here. It doesn’t matter if it’s your cell phone or whatever; it’s in this house, and I’m responsible for it. We’re responsible for what happens in our house.
Now, can I say this? If a child is older—I’ve got to say something on David’s side a little bit, at least you know—but if a child is older, maybe 18, 19, 20 years old, or 24, still living at home, they are in your house. You’re responsible for what goes on there. But can I just say this? Don’t nickel-and-dime them to death. You understand what I’m saying? You keep your principles, your standards up high. But look, if they don’t chew enough and they’re eating too fast, don’t kill them, all right? There are some worse things than their bed not being made in the morning. My philosophy is going to go to sleep on that thing tonight anyway. You know, anybody with me? Now, you’re responsible. I don’t let a bunch of junk going on in your house. You’re responsible for what goes on in your house, but don’t nickel-and-dime them to death, you understand what I’m saying, if they’re older kids still at home.
Isn’t it interesting over there in Luke 15, the prodigal son and his dad? He knew if he wanted to live like he wanted to and go live a sinful life, he had to leave home. He knew that. He said, “Give me my money. I want to go live like I want to.” And so he left home. You and I are responsible before God for what happens in my home.
Principle number two: We’re just trying to get a couple principles in here very, very quickly. Would you look over in Ezekiel chapter number 18? This is a very important truth that I believe is needed in our day and time greatly. Ezekiel 18 illustrates it so well. We’ll just read—we’re going to read several verses here—and we’ll try to explain a little bit of each category of verses, if you will. Ezekiel 18, and we’ll start in verse number one. Keep your finger over there. Well, I’m not sure we’ll go back a whole lot to David and Absalom tonight, but maybe just briefly. But Ezekiel 18, and when you find out, would you say amen? Amen. Good deal. Ezekiel 18, look at verse number one.
“The word of the Lord came unto me again, saying, What mean ye, that ye use this proverb concerning the land of Israel, saying, ‘The fathers have eaten sour grapes, and the children’s teeth are set on edge’?” That was a little saying, a philosophy that was going around in Israel at that time. The dads have eaten sour grapes, so the children’s teeth are set on edge. They were using this thing. We have philosophies. Used to be the philosophy in America—a lot of people thought it was a Bible verse—“Spare the rod, spoil the child.” Now, I like that philosophy; it’s not a Bible verse, but it’s a pretty good philosophy. You don’t hear that much anymore. Now you hear things like “children first” and so on and so on, not a biblical principle. But they were using this phrase, this philosophy, a lot.
Look what God says about it, verse number three: “As I live, saith the Lord God, ye shall not have occasion anymore to use this proverb in Israel. Behold, all souls are mine; as the soul of the father, so also the soul of the son is mine: the soul that sinneth, it shall die.” I’m talking about the father and the son; the soul that sinneth, it shall die.
Now we’re going to read verse number five, and he’s talking about a good man or a good father. Watch this: “But if a man be just, and do that which is lawful and right, and hath not eaten upon the mountains, neither hath lifted up his eyes to the idols of the house of Israel, neither hath defiled his neighbor’s wife, neither hath come near to a menstruous woman, and hath not oppressed any, but hath restored to the debtor his pledge, hath spoiled none by violence, hath given his bread to the hungry, hath covered the naked with a garment; he that hath not given forth upon usury, neither hath taken any increase: that hath withdrawn his hand from iniquity, hath executed true judgment between man and man, hath walked in my statutes, and hath kept my judgment, to deal truly; he is just, he shall surely live, saith the Lord God.” I was talking about a good man, a good father, if you will, and he’s doing right, he’s doing good, and God said that man shall live. Right? You got that?
Now verse number 10, he talks about this man’s son being a bad son. Good man, good father, but a bad son. Verse number 10: “If he beget a son that is a robber, a shedder of blood, and that doth the like to any one of these things, and that doth not any of those duties, but hath even eaten upon the mountains, and defiled his neighbor’s wife, and hath oppressed the poor and needy, hath spoiled by violence, hath not restored the pledge, and hath lifted up his eyes to the idols, hath committed abomination, hath given forth upon usury, and hath taken increase: shall he then live? He shall not live; he hath done all these abominations; he shall surely die; his blood shall be upon him.”
You notice what God is pointing out here: good father, bad son. Now here’s a bad dad. Verse number 14: “Now lo, if he beget a son that seeth all his father’s sin, which he hath done, and considereth, and doth not such like:” He said, “I didn’t have a good dad; I’m doomed.” No, you’re not doomed. Let me see what your dad said. “I don’t want to go that way.” That’s what this man says right here. Verse number 15: “That hath not eaten upon the mountains, neither hath lifted up his eyes to the idols of the house of Israel, hath not defiled his neighbor’s wife, neither hath oppressed any, hath not withheld the pledge, neither hath spoiled by violence, but hath given his bread to the hungry, and hath covered the naked with a garment, that hath taken his hand from the poor, that hath not received usury nor increased, hath executed my judgments, hath walked in my statutes; he shall not die for the iniquity of his father; he shall surely live.” Notice: had a bad dad but a good son. God said that guy is going to live.
You understand what God’s going through? Good dad, bad son—that guy has a bad son. Bad guy has a child, and he says, “I’m not going to go that way”—good son. God said that guy’s going to live, the guy that does right. The soul that sinneth, it shall die. Verse number 18: “As for his father, because he cruelly oppressed, and spoiled his brother by violence, and did that which is not good among his people, lo, even he shall die in his iniquity.” Yet you say, “Why doth not the son bear the iniquity of the father?” When the son hath done that which is lawful and right, hath kept all my statutes, and hath done them, he shall surely live. The soul that sinneth, it shall die. The son shall not bear the iniquity of the father, neither shall the father bear the iniquity of the son. The righteousness of the righteous shall be upon him; the wickedness of the wicked shall be upon him.
Now you understand what God is saying. I’m going to try to wrap it up by saying this right here, this second principle we’re getting from Ezekiel 18: You are responsible for how you raise your children, but they are responsible for what they do with it. You understand? If you—and there is not a perfect parent in the world, right? There’s not. So none of us have the right to say, “I did everything right.” Nobody did everything right. Nobody has done a perfect job at training their child up in the way he should go. Nobody has. It always—I always get a little bit fearful when I act like, “Man, if you did what I did, your kids should turn out right.” Oh, my goodness. Be careful. I’ve got to hurry along. So many stories come to mind, but I think of a family, not here, but they had just model children, and they taught them to really be good with people and all that. They came to church and gave advice to everybody about how to raise children. And then their next child was a very strong-willed child. All their advice dropped off quickly. They had no more advice to give. Be careful about those things.
But here’s the thing: If I—and we’re at the age now where we look back and say, “I wish I did a little bit more of this, wish I did a little bit less of that,” and all those things—where I have messed up, I need to just own up to it and confess it. Maybe even go to my children and say, “Hey, I’m sorry. I don’t think I did right here.” That’s right to do. But the decisions they’re making as a grown person, you’re not responsible for that. You’re responsible for how you raise them; they’re responsible for that.
Wait a second. Why are you kicking yourself in the stomach over this thing? You didn’t choose your child to do that. You didn’t raise your child to do that. Your grown child is making that. They’re responsible for what they’re doing. They’re making those decisions. You’re responsible for how you raise your children. They are responsible for what they do with it.
You’ve heard, if you’ve been around here for a long time, you’ve heard me tell this story about the invitation time. A lady was bringing her 18, 20-year-old son dragging down the aisle to the altar. You could tell he didn’t want to come. You could tell his rebellion; it had rebellion written across his face. He didn’t want to come. She’s dragging him down there; she motioned for the preacher to come down there and talk to him. She’s got tears, and the boy doesn’t want to be there; you can tell it. And she says, “Preacher, I don’t know what I did to make my son turn out like this. I don’t know what I did wrong.” And the preacher wisely said, “Ma’am, stop that. Stop giving your son an excuse to do what he’s doing. Your boy’s making his decision. He’s going to bear the consequences for the decisions he’s making.”
I’m responsible for how I raise my children. They’re responsible for what they do with it. This is Ezekiel 18’s teaching. All of us have some things—“Hey, I didn’t do right there”—but, friend, they are they. They’re growing. They’re making their decisions. They’re going to be responsible for it. “The soul that sinneth, it shall die.” That’s what Ezekiel teaches. Very important.
You see it in our day and time sometimes. I think of a mom whose son was in and out of jail. Every time she was there to bail him out, he would put a guilt trip on her. I told her to read Ezekiel 18. I said, “Ma’am, I wouldn’t be there to bail out your son. He is the one making those decisions to do those things. If you need to confess some things, get those things confessed to get it right, but that boy is making those decisions to deal in those drugs and to do all those things. He’s the one, and he needs to bear the consequences for that. The soul that sinneth, it shall die.”
David pretty much had to come to grips with, “Hey, look, maybe I wasn’t the perfect dad, but Absalom chose to go out there in the heat of war and start this fight and get himself killed.” And if I’m not careful, I’ll let him ruin the rest of my life. Now, I’m sure Joab was exaggerating a little bit in what he said, but there was some truth in what Joab said to David. David knew it. David said, “Wait a second, I better let Absalom be responsible for Absalom, and I need to sober up here a little bit and deal with my life where I’m at.” He was a king, and I need to deal with it properly.
You may have to have a talk with your children. I did, at least with one, maybe both, I can’t remember. But you might have to have that talk with your children, say, “Hey, look, I’m responsible for how I raised you, and I’ll answer to God for that, and I’m willing to do that. And if I’ve messed up, please let me know. I’m willing to get things right. But you’re going to be responsible for what you’re doing. You’re not going to be able to stand before God and say, ‘Well, my mom, my dad, that’s why I’m doing this right here.’ You’re going to be responsible to God for what you do.” And it’s good for those children to know that. They’re making their decisions. They’re going to have to bear the consequences. They might be able to find a peer here or there that agrees to get on their side, and all that. They might be able to connive and get people on their side, but God knows the truth. God says the soul that sinneth, it shall die. They’re making those decisions; they’ll be responsible for those decisions, and they need to know that. For the most part, they bear the consequences of those decisions. You’ve seen those homes as well as I have. As far as I know, the parents weren’t showing favoritism and all that; they just tried to raise them for the Lord. And one turns out good, one turns out bad. I’m responsible for how I raise them; they’re responsible for what they do with it.
Principle number two. Then principle number three, very quickly tonight: Number one, we said, I am responsible for what happens in my home, my house. I’ll have to answer to God for it. If it happens in the basement, bedroom, wherever, I’m responsible for it. By the way, it’s a sad thing, but the most teen immorality happens inside a parent’s home. Check it out. Vast majority of the time. I’m responsible for what happens in the home. Number two, I’m responsible for how I raise them, but they are responsible for what they do with it. Very important principle needed in our country right now.
Then just briefly, what do you do if you have grown kids who are not turning out or being what you want them to do? What do you do about it? Number one: Realize they are a grown adult.
People used to go to our church, a good couple. We’re still friends. They moved away; they’re in a great church, got a great pastor. And they were having some trouble with their grown kids. I was talking with them, and they said they went to their pastor. That’s good for me to know; I don’t want to give advice to their—they have a new pastor; they have their pastor now, and I want him to be their pastor. But I did ask, “Well, what did your pastor say?” And they said this: “Well, our pastor said, ‘You’re done.’” I said, “What do you mean? The pastor said you’re done?” “You raised them. They’re grown. You’re done.” And so you have a wise pastor.
Now, hopefully, you built a relationship over those years, and you can still use that relationship to influence them for the Lord. But, friend, you’ve raised them. They’re grown. They’re making their decisions. The prodigal son’s dad did not go chasing him across town to the wicked side. Didn’t go over there and didn’t bail him out. Didn’t follow him. I think he could have found him. I really think the prodigal son’s dad could have found his son if he really wanted to. The older brother knew what was going on. Remember, you read that over in Luke 15 when I have time to do it, but it’s a wonderful study over there. The older brother knew what his younger brother would do. I’m sure Dad could have found him, but Dad didn’t.
When that boy—we talk about him eating pig’s food—actually, if you read it, it says he would fain have filled his belly with husks. He wanted to get the pig’s food, but the owner wouldn’t even let him eat the pig. He didn’t have anything to eat. I mean, he was hitting rock bottom, and that’s when he came to himself. A friend, a lot of times they never come to themselves because we’re always there to put a pillow over top of the rock. He didn’t even have food; he couldn’t even eat the pigs’ food. He said, “Man, my dad’s servants eat better than me.” That’s when he came to himself. By the way, when he came to himself, he didn’t say, “Well, I’m going to go home and I’m going to find all my friends and tell them my side of the story.” He said, “I’m going to go to my father.” You read it, check it out. He said, “I’m going to go to my father. I’m going to make things right with my dad, parents.” There’s a lot of debate about why the mom’s not mentioned in that story; maybe she had passed. I don’t know. But that’s when that boy came to himself. Dad didn’t run over there and help him out and pay for all the debt he had gotten into, give him food and all that. He waited for him to come home. And when he came, he ran to him, had compassion, when he came to his dad to get things right. A lot of truth in all that. So realize they’re adults, and then pray for God to deal with them. Just pray, pray, pray.
I think of a lady whose son was very sinful. He was in Vietnam. She had gotten right with the Lord, got on fire for the Lord, and she was praying for her son. She said, “Look, Lord, I can’t witness to my son. He’s halfway around the world over there. But I’m going to be praying for him. Lord, I’m going to witness to every person I can witness to. When I witness to them, I’m asking you to have somebody talk to my son over there.” And her son ended up getting saved. He came to the ministry for a while. She prayed for her son and prayed for them.
Then let me say this: Give them a familiar place to come home to. What I mean by that is if you change, you lower all your standards because, well, you know, we’re worried it’s going to make our son or our daughter rebellious. What are they going to come to if they do get right? Your home’s not going to resemble what it used to. It’s going to plant a seed in their mind: “Well, it must not have been that important to Mom and Dad; they’ve changed everything.”
But you stand—and I stand—in love. You stand in love and praying for them. But give them a place, a familiar place to come home to. You’re not shunning—I’m not talking about shunning someone—but you’re standing in love. You realize they’re making their decisions. They know where I’m at. I’m not going to be mean and hateful, but I’m going to stand where I’ve always stood in love. Praise the Lord, that boy knew—he knew he needed to get things right with his dad. And now when he came back, his dad was waiting. He had compassion on him; he ran, and he fell on his neck and kissed him, killed the fatted calf. And that boy knew his dad would take him back, but he would have to come back on his dad’s terms. He’s going to live at home.
So, dealing with growing children, I hope something was helpful.
Original File: Dealing with grown kids - Pastor Paul Chisgar Wednesday 71421