# Submitting Yourselves One to Another

Category: Family & Relationships
Key Passage: Ephesians 5:21-33
Date: June 23, 2023

Turn your Bibles to Ephesians chapter number five, if you would please. Ephesians chapter number five. Nothing like having that feeling in your soul. I hope you have that, that is real, and you personally feel and believe that. I promised the month of February and every Sunday morning, we preach on family.

And so that would mean today is my last day on that subject. I wanted to preach something else because I had preached this before. I actually preached something very similar to it in August of 2015. I don’t like to preach things again, but the Lord knows better than me. Honestly, I felt like the Lord said, “Do you really want to help the people in their marriages, or do you want to look good in your preaching?” I hope it’s never the latter. I hope it’s always trying to help somebody. How many of you were here in August of 2015? All right, those folks alone, you’re allowed to sleep. Everybody else, you have to stay awake. But Ephesians chapter number five—it’s going to be a little longer than the typical introduction for me.

I hope I don’t offend you in the introduction. I haven’t even gotten to the message. I’m thinking, “Lord, I’m going to offend half of them before I even get to the message.” I’m not trying to. I will be very biblical. So if you have an issue at the beginning, it’s very, very biblical. But hang on, at least until we get to the message, if you would, before you get mad at me. After the message is all over, if you have an issue, you can see Thomas back there in the back; he’ll take care of it for me. And I’m teasing, of course. Thomas says, “I’m ready to go, man.”

Ephesians chapter number five, if you would please. We’re going to start in verse number one, Ephesians 5:21. Would you please stand as we read God’s word together, trying to show it respect? Ephesians 5. We’ll read several verses, we’ll pray, and then we’ll go back and rehearse a little bit of these. Ephesians 5, verse number 21 of God’s word. Here we go.

The Bible says, “Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church; and he is the savior of the body. Therefore, as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it, that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of the water by the word, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot or equal, or any such thing, that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their own wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh, but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the Church. For we are members of his body, and of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless, let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.”

And would you pray with me that God would speak to all of our hearts this morning? Father, Lord, I believe you’ve led me to preach this. Lord, I look out and see many who are not married right now. And, Father, I do ask that you would, in your unique way—only you can do it—would you apply these truths to their lives? And Father, for the rest of us that are married, Lord, give us wisdom, insight into the devil, and insight into our own personal marriages, making them better for you. Lord, we thank you; we’ll brag on you, we’ll praise you for what you do, Lord. We ask this in faith, Father, because we’re asking not on my merit but on Jesus’ merit. So we’ll thank you for it in Jesus’ name we pray. Amen.

Thank you so much for standing. You may be seated. We’re going to go back through these briefly. Stick with me, if you will.

Verse number 21 is really one category. If you look back at it, I call it mutual submission: “submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.” That’s very interesting—in the fear of God. You’re doing it for the Lord. By the way, that’s marriage at its optimum. That’s what you want. It’s wonderful when you have a marriage where they are submitting to one another. It looks like this: “Where do you want to go eat at?” “I don’t matter where you want to go eat at.” “I don’t know. I don’t have too much desire.” And you may have a desire, but you want your spouse to get their way. It’s a wonderful way to live in your marriage. You can have a marriage like that. “Well, I got a little hankering, but it really don’t matter. I’d rather go where you want to go.” Submitting yourselves—it’s a wonderful marriage. That’s what you want; it’s what you’re after. But can I say marriage does not always—it’s not always like that. There are times when we—you too, you’re including that we—we’re pretty opinionated about some things. We have a strong desire and a strong opinion about things. So marriage is not—that’s what we’re after—but it’s not always there. So God gives us more guidelines for this thing of marriage, all right?

If you look in verse number 22—three verses—he talks to the wife. He says, “Wives, submitting yourselves unto your own husband as unto the Lord.” Now, that word “submit” doesn’t mean you’re a doormat. It doesn’t mean you never express your opinion. It doesn’t mean, in a good marriage for sure, that you never get your way. In a good marriage, you ought to from time to time. This may be the best definition I can think of: it’s creating an atmosphere in your home conducive to your husband leading. It is—it is you literally submitting from time to time, but it’s an atmosphere you build in the home. “I want you to lead. I don’t want to take the leadership. I want you to be the leader.” You show it in your choices, you show it in your actions, you show it in your words. And even maybe when he’s weak, you say, “I don’t want to take the reins,” and you may be more capable from time to time. I don’t want to do that. I want you to lead. I want to be in charge. You create an atmosphere conducive to the husband leading. Very interesting couple of phrases there in verse number 22. Look back there; we just read it. That last part: “as unto the Lord.” It’s pretty strong. You’re doing it for the Lord, if you will.

Verse number 23, another little interesting phrase we often misuse: “For the husband is the head of the wife.” We often—and I’ve said it, and I understand we don’t think too much about it—sometimes think, “Well, the husband ought to be the head of the home.” Actually, that’s not what the Bible says. That would be impossible often because many times the husband is gone all the time, working, providing for the family. By the way, men, that responsibility falls on your shoulders. Amen? Now, if she decides to help, that’s fine, but the responsibility is on your shoulders. But it says the husband is the head of the wife. That’s actually what the Bible says.

If you just think about that scenario: the husband is the head, the wife is the body. If I put my hand on something that’s hot, there’s going to be a whole lot of sensors very quickly sending signals up to that head saying, “That hurts! Whoa!” And that head is going to make a decision: “Get your hand off of there.” I’m so thankful my wife’s not feeling well. That’s why she slipped out here. Either that, she knew I was preaching on marriage. I don’t know. But she was sending sensors up to the head and allowing me to be the head of the wife. Notice how I worded that: allowing me to be the head of the wife.

Verse number 24, another interesting little phrase: “Therefore, as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.” Wow. Now, if I’m talking to men, preaching only to men, I think it’s wise for men to say, “Hey, there are some areas where she’s smarter than me. I’m going to let her be in charge.” The kitchen—amen—my wife is a whole lot smarter. Computers—my wife is much smarter than I. Nursing—she just got her LPN certification. In those areas, she’ll even kind of put herself under me, if you will. But still, he’s talking to the wife. He says, “in everything.” Literally what the Bible says.

This is all introduction, so don’t get mad at me. Hang on; get mad at me later on, all right? It’s very interesting. When God talks about these roles, he talks to the wife first. A little later on, he gets to the parent and the child; he talks to the child first. He’ll talk to the employee and employer—I get those two mixed up—and he talks to the employee first. Why does God talk to the wife first when he gets to the individual roles? Because when a wife submits, she creates that atmosphere in the home: “I want you to lead. I want you to be the head.” It creates a sweetness that nothing else can. Hollywood tries to mimic a sweet home, but they cannot do it because they leave that part out typically. It just creates such a sweet atmosphere in the home. Ever think about it? If a wife doesn’t submit, what options does he have? They can fight all the time, or he can just kind of let her dominate and he becomes a mouse when he gets home, or they’re not going to be close. Those are pretty much the three options.

I remember one service I was preaching along that line, and a fellow visitor said afterward, “Boy, preacher, you opened up a can tonight,” talking about submission. It’s not very popular in our day and time. Love and Respect is a great book, one of the best written in our day, and I’m for that. But you won’t find a book called Love and Submission. It’s not popular. It’s not going to sell. It’s just not the thing nowadays. But it’s still right. It’s still God’s method. Still God’s plan.

Now let’s jump over. Let’s go to the men here for just a second. Verse number 25 of Ephesians chapter 5. And there he says, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it.” The Lord gives nine verses after that talking to the husband. The main word is “love.” “Husband, love your wife.”

Now it gets a little bit more specific about how or what that means. Notice he says, “as Christ loved the church.” Who loved each other first between us and the Lord? We love him because he first loved us. So here’s what he’s saying: Husbands, you are the one to initiate that love. You’re supposed to love as Christ loved the church, and he initiated the love. He is the one to reach out to you in love. I am to love as Christ loved. That’s pretty powerful. Christ loved the church. You know the church is full of flaws in our day and time, but Christ still loves it. He still provides for it. This love is agape love. It’s a love that is very deep, ever-flowing, consistent. When she’s up and when she’s down, when she has a good day or a bad day, it doesn’t matter; you still love her. When she’s not everything you think she ought to be, you don’t treat her any different, you don’t snub your nose at her, you still love her. Even when you’re hurt, you still love her. That’s what he’s speaking of. Husbands, you love your wife as Christ loved the church and gave; you are continually giving yourself for her.

Now let’s look at verse number 26. Notice what he says. He just said love her as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it. Then he says that he might sanctify—the cleansing, the growing of a Christian becoming more toward the Lord and away from the world—that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of the water by the word. That’s very important.

Here’s the thing: you’ll see a pretty lady and think, “Man, her husband is probably that six-foot-six guy with big old muscles.” And you’ll see some little scrawny guy come out there. “Wow, how in the world did he get her?” But he’s wise with his words. Did you notice that? “By the washing of the water, by the word.” If I’m going to love her like the Bible tells me to love her, I’ve got to be wise with my words. You’re not going to be able to say, “Well, we’re just not expressive.” You learn to be expressive. Your words express your love, day in, day out, good days, bad days. She has security even when she’s not what she wants to be, and she just feels inadequate. She knows you have that continual love for her, that consistent love, even with your words. She might get a little sharp tongue, but you stay loving with your words.

Notice what he says, “that he might sanctify and cleanse it.” Here’s the thing, men: if you go out and try to browbeat and correct her on everything, you’re not going to get what you want. You’re not going to have a sweet relationship. Here’s the way it works: You love her. She’s far from what you want her to be, and you genuinely love her. You try to show it with your words; even when you’re kind, you’re loving, you’re considerate of her, you cherish her. And then that works out the wrinkles and the spots. The consistent love toward her, loving her when she’s not what you want her to be, but you still love her—that will come closer to working out all those problems. You love her when it’s good and when it’s bad, when she’s sick and when she’s not sick. You love her like Christ loved the church.

Look at verse number 28. “So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies.” Wow. We have our men’s retreat, men’s fellowship, and I always say this: “Hey, men like good food.” Why? Because we like our bodies. If a man gets a hankering for beef jerky or a certain chewing gum or whatever, I guarantee that guy’s going to stop and get it. Because we’re connected, we’re very alert, aware of what our body wants. And it’s saying, men, you’re like that; like you love your bodies, you’re very alert, very aware of what your wife wants. If she just has a hankering, you try your best to get it for her. You’re alert to her needs and her wants and her wishes. And out of love, you want to meet those. You love her like you love your own body. Men love their bodies. And he said, “Hey, you love your wife like you love your bodies.”

Let me give you five keys or five truths about this thing. Look at verse number 22. What is the very first word in verse number 25? “Husbands.” Now, that’s very significant. Typically, when God gives a command, he just gives a general command: “Do not steal,” “Thou shalt not kill.” Most times, he speaks generally: “Love your enemies.”

But I want you to notice that God is very particular. He said, “Hey, wives, let me talk to you,” and “Husbands, let me talk to you.” I would be getting on to Sarah and say, “Sarah, I told you to go clean that room.” And John would say, “Dad, but Dad, Dad, Dad!” I’ll say, “John, stay out of this. I’m talking to Sarah.” Or I’ll be getting on to John. I said, “John, go cut the grass.” He’d say, “But Dad, Dad, Dad, no, stay out of this! I’m talking to John right now.” With that fault, God says, “Wives, I talk to you. Husbands, stay out of it.” “Husbands, let me talk to you. Wives, stay out of it.” This is probably the most important key: stay on your side. Almost every time there is compounded trouble in a marriage, it’s either the husband or the wife gets over on the other side. It is so true: stay on your side. That’s why God said, “Hey, wives, let me talk to you. Hey, husband, let me talk to you.”

Husband, God never told you one time in all the Bible, husbands, to make your wife submit to you. You won’t find that one time in the Bible. And you are not the man God wants you to be when you’re over on her side trying to make her submit. Even if she becomes super Christian and tries to submit, you’re not going to have a sweet, warm relationship. And wives, when you go over there and say, “You don’t make me feel loved, and you don’t cherish me,” you’re not going to make that man feel like the man you want him to become.

The key is when you say, “This is the side God gave me. I’m going to get on my side. I’m going to learn my role. I’ll be an expert on my side.” That’s Key Number One: Stay on your side. It’s so key.

Number two. Here it is: You cannot be in two places at one time. I’m supposed to be loving my wife as Christ loved the church—that’s agape, never-ending, unconditional love. I initiate. When I get over here on her side, saying, “Well, if you would just let me be the leader here,” I’m not loving her as I ought to. You can’t be in two places at once. And wife, when you get over here and say, “Well, if you had just made a better decision in our finances,” don’t try to lead from behind. That’s not true submission. Don’t get on the other side.

Point number one: The key is stay on your side. Point number two: You can’t be on two sides at one time. Point number three: Staying on your side will create the best environment for your spouse to grow.

Now, I’m going to be honest with you, there are no guarantees. I’m not going to be a prosperity preacher. There are no guarantees. First Corinthians chapter 7 talks about if you’re married to an unbeliever… “For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband?” In other words, you can’t make them get saved. But the best I can do to help my spouse meet their potential is when I stay on my side. That’s the best. The best environment for them to grow is when I get over here on my side.

Husbands, if you get on your side and you love her like Christ loved the church, the vast majority of the time, that wife is going to say, “You know what, I like to please that guy. He really loves me.” The best way you can help her become what she ought to be is by you staying on your side. Every time you get over there on her side and say, “Well, if you do this,” you just lower the potential for her to reach her potential. The best opportunity is when you stay on your side.

It’s amazing when a man with his words loves her and does his best to make her feel cherished. And when she’s feeling inadequate, she knows she has a man that just consistently loves her. More often than not, you’re going to have a wife that wants to be a good wife to him. And wives, if you say, “I want you to be the leader,” and you create that atmosphere—80% of communication is nonverbal—that husband thinks, “Hey, I’ve got a jewel of a wife,” and that creates the best environment for him to treat her like a jewel. The best I can do to help my mate meet their potential is when I stay on my side.

Number four: You will find peace on your side. True peace. It doesn’t come horizontally. It comes here. Philippians 4:6: “Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus our Lord.” That peace comes from here. If I’m not being the husband I ought to be, I’m not going to have peace. Peace comes when I’m over here doing what God’s called me to do. That’s where peace comes from. You’re not going to find it when you’re over on your spouse’s side.

Years ago, a lady came to our church, got on fire for the Lord, and began to grow. Her marriage was already like a carpet bomb. I remember her calling. She said, “I want to be the wife God’s called me to be.” Here’s the sad thing: He had an affair on her. Through the whole thing, she handled it superbly, as a godly lady should. They ended up getting a divorce. Maybe a year or so later, she called me and said, “Preacher, I have a peace about it all. I have a peace about the way I handled it. I had peace going through it because I knew I was doing what God wanted me to do.” Yes, you still had peace because peace comes when you’re on your side.

The closest you’ll get to peace is when you get on your side and do what God called you to do.

Number five: It requires faith to stay on your side. There is not a perfect wife in the world. There is not a perfect husband in the world. You are going to see your spouse and they are literally not what they ought to be. Your temptation is going to be to go over there on their side and put your hands on the situation and try to fix them. You can’t change your spouse. But out of faith, they say, “You know what? Lord, I’m going to stay over here. I’m going to put them in your hands by faith.” What does the Bible say in Hebrews 11:6? “Without faith, it is impossible to…”

When you make that decision of faith—I’m just talking about normal marital problems—when you, by faith, say, “I’m taking my hands off. I’m not going to try to browbeat her,” you take your hands off and say, “I’m going to get over here on this side and love her.” That takes faith. And God is pleased with that.

I think about the man who gave the first tithe this church ever had. Years ago, something happened to his wife. She literally, I believe, had a nervous breakdown. She was mentally messed up. And I watched that man love her. I watched that man bring her to church, even though sometimes she embarrassed him. And I watched that man treat her like the Lord told us to, and I watched him have peace in the midst of it. God was so pleased with that man’s act of faith—to love her, to take his hands off. “I can’t fix her. I’m just going to do what you told me to do, Lord: love her.” Two things about faith: Number one, it pleases God. Number two, God often responds to faith.

I think of a situation where the husband was not saved, and the wife had tried every way in the world to make him get saved. When she got a hold of 1 Peter 3, she said, “I’m going to stop trying to make him get saved, and I’m just going to be what God told me to be.” God stepped in there and put his hands on the situation. I’ll be honest with you, he got cancer; he’s in heaven now. But God got a hold of that man’s heart. God responds to faith. God doesn’t respond to my pity parties. He responds to faith. Stop having a pity party, and go do what God told you to do out of faith.

Salvation is very similar. Jesus, over here on this side, has purchased your salvation. He never sinned one time. He shed his blood on the cross at Calvary. He died, three days later he rose again, proving he had satisfied the Father by his resurrection. That’s what Jesus did for your salvation. Over here on our side, we simply receive that gift by faith. “I’m going to trust in what you did to save me.” Here’s the problem: I really believe the majority of people that go to hell will go to hell because we’re over here trying to be good enough to go to heaven, instead of being on Jesus’ side. Jesus paid it all. He said, “It is finished.” It’s all Jesus. When I receive the gift by faith, that is when I get saved.

Original File: Submitting Yourselves One To Another - Sunday Morning - 22821